One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.
After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"
"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.
"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"
"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."
About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"
"I'm right year Doc," he said.
"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"
"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."
A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"
"Right here docta," he said.
"Wonderful news! It's-"
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was
to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time
and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor
for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long
face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began
talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their
marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for
several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had
happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at
least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness
Request denied for the following reasons:
Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early
Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.
One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window
here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on
the 90th floor.."
The other man says "f#ck off, you're jokin aren't u?"
The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the
window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor
window..
The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again..
and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im
telling the truth"
The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.
The bartender says to the first man.. "You know, you're a real dick when you're drunk superman"
In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally
scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels
before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I
graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be
clean."The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his
fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the
University of California and they taught us to be environmentally
conscious."The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I
graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on
our hands.
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys,
pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or
you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the
universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week
before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side
appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how
smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the
universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women
when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever
conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land
with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told
me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the
subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a
baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
